Emily Post has an entire chapter dedicated towards the art of communication and correspondence. There are some steadfast rules for common courtesy though and I will try to highlight those here.
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OCCASION
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OBLIGATORY
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OPTIONAL
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Dinner Party
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If you are the guest of honor
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Appreciated by the host, but unnecessary if you thanked them when leaving
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Overnight Visits
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Always – except family and close friends whom you see often. You can call them instead.
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It is always appropriate to send a note in addition to verbal thanks.
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Birthday,
Anniversary, and
Christmas Gifts
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Always – except family and close friends whom you see often. You can call them instead.
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It is always okay to send a note in addition to verbal thanks.
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Shower Gifts
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If the gift giver was not in attendance
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Many like to send a written thank you in addition of the verbal thank you
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Gifts to the Ill
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As soon as the patient feels well enough
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Condolence
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Send thank you notes to all hand written notes of condolence
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Congratulatory
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All personal messages need to be acknowledged
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Form letters from firms need not to be acknowledged
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Wedding Gifts
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ALWAYS even if the giver was in attendance
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Thank you gift that arrives after the event
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Should be acknowledged so that the giver knows the gift arrived safely
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I have a few great resources to leave you with today.
1) The Art of Thank you:Crafting Notes of Gratitutde by Connie Leas who believes, “Writing a thank-you note is a small but gracious way to repay kindness with kindness…”
2) Personal Notes: How to Write from the Heart for Any Occasion by Sandra E. Lamb who believes, “What’s so often missing from our lives today is the richness of shared humanity, those moments when we feel really connected to other human beings…”
3) The Little Red Writing Book This is an amazing book that covers so many topics regarding writing in general. Page 81 starts the chapter about choosing an appropriate tone that I felt helped tremendously.
4) The Thank You Book For Kids by Ali Lauren Spizman, an amazing book written by a 14 year old. Contains hundreds of fun and creative suggestions for writing memorable thank-you notes.