Category: COMMON COURTESY

Emily Post has an entire chapter dedicated towards the art of communication and correspondence. There are some steadfast rules for common courtesy though and I will try to highlight those here.

I have a few great resources to leave you with today.
1) The Art of Thank you:Crafting Notes of Gratitutde by Connie Leas who believes, “Writing a thank-you note is a small but gracious way to repay kindness with kindness…”
2) Personal Notes: How to Write from the Heart for Any Occasion by Sandra E. Lamb who believes, “What’s so often missing from our lives today is the richness of shared humanity, those moments when we feel really connected to other human beings…”
3) The Little Red Writing Book This is an amazing book that covers so many topics regarding writing in general. Page 81 starts the chapter about choosing an appropriate tone that I felt helped tremendously.
4) The Thank You Book For Kids by Ali Lauren Spizman, an amazing book written by a 14 year old. Contains hundreds of fun and creative suggestions for writing memorable thank-you notes.

Need I say more? Evidently yes based on what I see in everyday life. Just this past weekend I observed at least a dozen occasions where this was NOT being practiced. When I was young I was taught to say please, thank you, I’m sorry, excuse me and a variety of other niceties that tend to make life more pleasant as well as show respect for my elders.

Though the reasons for many things has changed, the act of doing them has not. For example, in Victorian days a man escorting a woman on the street would walk on the street or curb side of the woman to keep her from being splashed by mud. These days, a man still does it, but now more for safety.

Social amenities are still in fashion despite women not being the frail creatures once thought. I know feminists everywhere will hate me, but I LIKE when my husband opens the door to a building or even our own car for me, stands when I leave the table at a nice restaurant, takes his hat off indoors or walks on the street side. After all these years we have developed an instinct for being courteous to each other. Our children were taught the same.

As a society we have wandered away from many day to day courtesies. We as parents have the responsibility to create the adults of tomorrow and that training begins at home. That is pure fact. I recently overheard a couple of moms out having lunch complaining about how their kids were not learning manners at school or in daycare. HELLO? I truly blame this on the parents. It is not up to the schools or daycare to teach the children manners. Many common courtesies are no longer practiced by many families and/or enforced by parents, but we as parents have the responsibility to make time in our lives to do just that; teach manners to our children, expect a certain level of courtesy from our children and adjust the bad habits before they get out of hand.

One of the examples of the need for everyday manners is on public transportation. Awhile back I was on a subway when a young mother carrying a baby got on as did an elderly gentleman with a cane. The car was full and not one man or teenager got up and offered their seat to either of them. I was embarrassed for us as a society!

There are some personal habits that should be addressed, but based on today’s casual acceptance I will only mention and then leave the interpretation to the reader: men removing hats indoors, slouching/posture in general, elbows on the table while eating, chewing with your mouth closed, belching/burping in public, women in dresses sitting in a ladylike manner, disposing of your gum appropriately, smoking in public, being a good neighbor, personal space/crowding and the list goes on and on.

I have seen many well behaved children and truly appreciate the effort their parents put into their training. I just get so disappointed that so many other parents are readily accepting less than acceptable in their lives as well as their children’s. The ME generation does NOT have to be here to stay. Hubby and I went out for a nice leisurely afternoon lunch today at a little restaurant we like to frequent. It is very quaint and scenic. Halfway through our lunch a young family came in (the kids were about 2 and 5). Mom and dad sat at the bar and ordered a drink leaving the kids to wander. HELLO?? The 2 year old wanted something the 5 year old had and when she didn’t get it started a tantrum that the parents were ignoring and the rest of us were enduring. NO ONE said anything! I was beside myself. Normally I would have been pissed, but not said anything. Today was not normal – I had a splitting headache and was just beginning to relax when this all occurred. I calmly walked over to the parents and asked if they wouldn’t mind taking the little girl outside to calm her down. They were quite insulted by MY nerve as they put it. I told them I was insulted by their nerve. They were clueless!! I actually had to spell it out for them that while everyone was trying to endure their little girl’s tantrum, it was not our responsibility to do so. We were all out spending our hard earned money on a relaxing day which did not include providing daycare for them as their children ran around unsupervised.

While there are even more situations we could address because our entire life is full of them (strangers, prejudice, those with handicaps, unexpected visitors, hospitals, church services, etc… the ultimate rule of thumb is and always will be the Golden Rule for ALL situations.

How were you taught everyday manners?
How should manners be introduced in everyday life?
At what point do you insist on good manners from children?

How do you bring your family to the dining room table for a family meal?

Instead you need to make these – they’ll make you smile!

DEAR TEXTED OUT: I’m glad you asked. It is rude for people to behave the way you have described. Good manners dictate that people give their undivided attention to those they are with. To do otherwise sends the signal that their present company is less important.

Though Emily Post’s advice in the 1920’s was addressed to a different era, the fundamentals like common sense and common courtesy are elements still pertinent today. With our busy schedules today it takes a lot of work, just as much now as back then, to make a dinner party or weekend a success. The key is in the planning and preparation. You do not want to appear or feel stressed out. With the proper planning and preparation everyone will have a good time including yourself. In order for your guests to have a good time, you need to also.

Emily Post addressed several classifications; mealtime parties, weekend visits, uninvited guests, single women, lingering guests, liquor problems and unexpected gifts. While some of her information is a bit dated, the basics are still the same.

Mealtime Parties ~ Be ready* ahead of time, don’t plan on anyone being late. *Ready means not answering the door in your cleaning clothes with the dust cloth in hand, having the table set as well as the appetizers and cocktails ready to be served at the invitation time.

If this is a larger occasion with assigned seating, be sure to seat guests next to others that they will have things in common. Be especially aware if you have invited children how their placement will affect the mood of the affair.

If you have invited everyone for a backyard BBQ, don’t wear formal wear and diamonds! You want to put your guests at ease. While events today tend to be more casual, your job as hostess is still to put your guests at ease.

Make sure you mingle with all your guests and not keep yourself secluded in the kitchen.

Keep an eye on your guests refreshments. Make sure to offer more as necessary so they don’t feel awkward asking.

Weekend Visits ~ Communication is the key to a good weekend visit. Be sure to cover all your bases in the invitation. Let your guests know if they need their swimming suits or more formal dress for a special night. Let them know what equipment you have on hand if you’re planning on a day of tennis or golfing, etc…

When your guests first arrive be sure to give them a tour including where their room, the bathroom, towels and such are located. I like to also keep a small basket of essential toiletries (small sample shampoos, soaps, a toothbrush and traveling toothpaste) hung in the guest room. I also make sure there are always empty drawers and plenty of “real” hangers hanging in the closet. By real I mean hangers that are not the throw aways from the cleaners that won’t support a suit coat.

I also like to place fresh flowers in their room before they arrive. This isn’t sometimes possible in the winter and so I have a bright and cheery silk arrangement in there also.

If something is off limits be sure to say so up front. Maybe you have told them to make themselves at home and help themselves to whatever they like. You have a special dessert planned though that will use the fresh strawberries. They will not know to not eat the strawberries unless you have said so up front.

Share your plans by giving your guests a basic time line regarding what time you’ll be serving breakfast or leaving for the lake, etc…

If your guests are family or really good friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help when necessary. This will also make them feel more relaxed and promote a more relaxed atmosphere for the weekend.

Single Women ~ In today’s world, this is not the problem it once was. Nowadays this pertains primarily to older women who may not want to arrive or depart by themselves. An attentive hostess will foresee this and ask someone near her if they would mind picking her up and bring her with them and then seeing her home also.

Liquor Problems ~ This is pretty much the same today as it was then. As the host you are responsible for seeing that a drunken guest gets home safely. Their car keys should be taken away and discretion used based on each situation.

Unexpected (FOOD such as wine or cakes) Gifts ~ While it is thoughtful, it does not require a priority if it is unexpected. If you have already purchased a wine that coordinates with your menu or prepared a dessert for the meal yours should take precedence. Be sure to thank the donor and tell them how much you will enjoy their gift.

“What are the little things you do to make your guests feel at home?”

No matter what the event is or how well the hostess has planned and prepared, success depends on enthusiastic, congenial and considerate guests.

A welcome house guest above all is ADAPTABLE. Be ready for anything or nothing at all.

As a guest it is not necessary to ever eat anything that goes against your morals or that you are allergic to. Proper etiquette says to NOT mention these in advance to your hostess so she doesn’t feel obligated to change her menu. It is pretty hard to plan around everyone’s likes and dislikes. Just avoid the items you cannot eat or choose not to. If necessary have a snack before arriving. If you know that you will not be able to eat anything being served you might discuss it with your hostess so she knows that you will be bringing a meal for yourself prepared according to your restrictions. A classic example of this would be an Orthodox Jew who requires a kosher meal. For family and close friends this can be more lenient. I know that when I first met my husband’s family I would never have dreamed of mentioning my food allergy to anyone in advance for fear of making extra work for them. After the first time I avoided a certain food because of an ingredient in it, my sister-in-law noticed and over the years has begun to even read labels on foods before I visit so we can avoid a problem in the future. That’s because she’s a good hostess!

You may want to help your hostess, but avoid the temptation to chase her into the kitchen trying to help and then end up chattering away while she’s trying to make her last minute preparations. Take your cue from the hostess. If you have offered to help and she has declined your help, don’t insist. She evidently has a plan. She will always appreciate your offer though.

Conform to the habits of your hostess. If they are early risers, while you are their guest so should you be within reason. There is the chance that you are an early riser or unable to sleep in the late evening. Take a book with you to while away the time when perhaps your are awake and they are not. If you read one of your hostesses books during your visit, do not dog ear the pages and return it to its proper place before departing.

Never stay longer than originally planned. End you visit while you and your hostess are both having a good time.

Leave your room and bath as you found it. My sister-in-law says “Do NOT try to do something nice by stripping the bed for your hostess”. She may not be prepared to do the laundry that day and would prefer to do these tasks on her own time line. But Emily post suggests you ask the hostess first and at the very least remove the sheets and fold them at the foot of the bed after pulling the spread into place to make the bed appear made so the hostess does not forget to change them. Use your best judgment based on your relationship with your hostess.

Don’t forget your “bread and butter” gift for your hostess. My sister-in-law is the one person we stay with regularly. As close family, etiquette sometimes disappears depending on who all is involved, but I never ever forget to bring a bread and butter gift for her, a small token of my appreciation picked out just for her. It can be as simple as a bouquet of flowers or a box of candy, but should be something she will personally love.

Follow up your visit with a thank you note within a day or two.

What do you do special for your hostess?

More and more often I have heard that hosts/hostesses are not receiving firm indications of whether guests plan to attend their parties, even when R.S.V.P. is boldly printed on their invitations. This leaves us with a couple of choices. First it could mean that rudeness is a increasingly growing trend in our society or that people no longer understand what the term R.S.V.P. actually means. I prefer to think positively and assume that ignorance of the term is the case versus rudeness. I know it’s hard to believe ignorance to be good, but better that than rudeness!

R.S.V.P is French for “répondez s’il vous plaît” and is an acronym that loosely translates to Please Reply (one way or the other)! Check your calendar and ask yourself how you truly feel about attending this event. Don’t keep your host in suspense, reply as soon as you are sure one way or another. To be proper, you should reply in writing, by hand. But you may reply in the same format that one was invited; for example, an email invitation can be answered by email, etc… R.S.V.P.’s can sometimes be oral or written, but are always determined and based on the level of formality of the invitation. You wouldn’t just pick up the phone to reply to an invitation from the White House or the Pope now would you? These situations and many others require a written response.

Filling out an RSVP card is a basic and important courtesy. The hostess collect R.S.V.P. cards so that they know how many guests to expect, which will help them to make seating and catering arrangements. Your hostess needs to know how many are coming in order to prepare for the event properly. R.S.V.P.’s are the most important determining factor to help her do that well.
You never need to give a reason for not attending. Just let the host know whether you’re currently planning to be there or not.

Communicate last minute changes immediately to your host. Maybe you become ill or there was an emergency. As soon as you know, you must get in touch with the host (by telephone is fine) to let them know you can’t come, and apologize. Do you remember to communicate your intentions clearly to your hostess?