Category: LIFE AS IT HAPPENS

DEAR TEXTED OUT: I’m glad you asked. It is rude for people to behave the way you have described. Good manners dictate that people give their undivided attention to those they are with. To do otherwise sends the signal that their present company is less important.

Though Emily Post’s advice in the 1920’s was addressed to a different era, the fundamentals like common sense and common courtesy are elements still pertinent today. With our busy schedules today it takes a lot of work, just as much now as back then, to make a dinner party or weekend a success. The key is in the planning and preparation. You do not want to appear or feel stressed out. With the proper planning and preparation everyone will have a good time including yourself. In order for your guests to have a good time, you need to also.

Emily Post addressed several classifications; mealtime parties, weekend visits, uninvited guests, single women, lingering guests, liquor problems and unexpected gifts. While some of her information is a bit dated, the basics are still the same.

Mealtime Parties ~ Be ready* ahead of time, don’t plan on anyone being late. *Ready means not answering the door in your cleaning clothes with the dust cloth in hand, having the table set as well as the appetizers and cocktails ready to be served at the invitation time.

If this is a larger occasion with assigned seating, be sure to seat guests next to others that they will have things in common. Be especially aware if you have invited children how their placement will affect the mood of the affair.

If you have invited everyone for a backyard BBQ, don’t wear formal wear and diamonds! You want to put your guests at ease. While events today tend to be more casual, your job as hostess is still to put your guests at ease.

Make sure you mingle with all your guests and not keep yourself secluded in the kitchen.

Keep an eye on your guests refreshments. Make sure to offer more as necessary so they don’t feel awkward asking.

Weekend Visits ~ Communication is the key to a good weekend visit. Be sure to cover all your bases in the invitation. Let your guests know if they need their swimming suits or more formal dress for a special night. Let them know what equipment you have on hand if you’re planning on a day of tennis or golfing, etc…

When your guests first arrive be sure to give them a tour including where their room, the bathroom, towels and such are located. I like to also keep a small basket of essential toiletries (small sample shampoos, soaps, a toothbrush and traveling toothpaste) hung in the guest room. I also make sure there are always empty drawers and plenty of “real” hangers hanging in the closet. By real I mean hangers that are not the throw aways from the cleaners that won’t support a suit coat.

I also like to place fresh flowers in their room before they arrive. This isn’t sometimes possible in the winter and so I have a bright and cheery silk arrangement in there also.

If something is off limits be sure to say so up front. Maybe you have told them to make themselves at home and help themselves to whatever they like. You have a special dessert planned though that will use the fresh strawberries. They will not know to not eat the strawberries unless you have said so up front.

Share your plans by giving your guests a basic time line regarding what time you’ll be serving breakfast or leaving for the lake, etc…

If your guests are family or really good friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help when necessary. This will also make them feel more relaxed and promote a more relaxed atmosphere for the weekend.

Single Women ~ In today’s world, this is not the problem it once was. Nowadays this pertains primarily to older women who may not want to arrive or depart by themselves. An attentive hostess will foresee this and ask someone near her if they would mind picking her up and bring her with them and then seeing her home also.

Liquor Problems ~ This is pretty much the same today as it was then. As the host you are responsible for seeing that a drunken guest gets home safely. Their car keys should be taken away and discretion used based on each situation.

Unexpected (FOOD such as wine or cakes) Gifts ~ While it is thoughtful, it does not require a priority if it is unexpected. If you have already purchased a wine that coordinates with your menu or prepared a dessert for the meal yours should take precedence. Be sure to thank the donor and tell them how much you will enjoy their gift.

“What are the little things you do to make your guests feel at home?”

No matter what the event is or how well the hostess has planned and prepared, success depends on enthusiastic, congenial and considerate guests.

A welcome house guest above all is ADAPTABLE. Be ready for anything or nothing at all.

As a guest it is not necessary to ever eat anything that goes against your morals or that you are allergic to. Proper etiquette says to NOT mention these in advance to your hostess so she doesn’t feel obligated to change her menu. It is pretty hard to plan around everyone’s likes and dislikes. Just avoid the items you cannot eat or choose not to. If necessary have a snack before arriving. If you know that you will not be able to eat anything being served you might discuss it with your hostess so she knows that you will be bringing a meal for yourself prepared according to your restrictions. A classic example of this would be an Orthodox Jew who requires a kosher meal. For family and close friends this can be more lenient. I know that when I first met my husband’s family I would never have dreamed of mentioning my food allergy to anyone in advance for fear of making extra work for them. After the first time I avoided a certain food because of an ingredient in it, my sister-in-law noticed and over the years has begun to even read labels on foods before I visit so we can avoid a problem in the future. That’s because she’s a good hostess!

You may want to help your hostess, but avoid the temptation to chase her into the kitchen trying to help and then end up chattering away while she’s trying to make her last minute preparations. Take your cue from the hostess. If you have offered to help and she has declined your help, don’t insist. She evidently has a plan. She will always appreciate your offer though.

Conform to the habits of your hostess. If they are early risers, while you are their guest so should you be within reason. There is the chance that you are an early riser or unable to sleep in the late evening. Take a book with you to while away the time when perhaps your are awake and they are not. If you read one of your hostesses books during your visit, do not dog ear the pages and return it to its proper place before departing.

Never stay longer than originally planned. End you visit while you and your hostess are both having a good time.

Leave your room and bath as you found it. My sister-in-law says “Do NOT try to do something nice by stripping the bed for your hostess”. She may not be prepared to do the laundry that day and would prefer to do these tasks on her own time line. But Emily post suggests you ask the hostess first and at the very least remove the sheets and fold them at the foot of the bed after pulling the spread into place to make the bed appear made so the hostess does not forget to change them. Use your best judgment based on your relationship with your hostess.

Don’t forget your “bread and butter” gift for your hostess. My sister-in-law is the one person we stay with regularly. As close family, etiquette sometimes disappears depending on who all is involved, but I never ever forget to bring a bread and butter gift for her, a small token of my appreciation picked out just for her. It can be as simple as a bouquet of flowers or a box of candy, but should be something she will personally love.

Follow up your visit with a thank you note within a day or two.

What do you do special for your hostess?