Category: WIT & WISDOM

STORY OF MY LIFE!

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked “What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding.”

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked “What a shame…. he makes that little boy walk.” So they then decided they’d both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who remarked “They’re really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride.”

So, they both rode the donkey.  Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying “How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.”

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well… Kiss your ass goodbye!

 ~ Have A Nice Day ~

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK – SHARING AN EMAIL THAT HIT HOME

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all… “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem.  If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.  When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… pick them up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!”

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them..
3 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..
4 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
5 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
6 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
7 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
8 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
9 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
10 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
11 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE…

This email left me LMAO, so I thought I would share…

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
 
He wanted her to see what he went  through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman…

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.  He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog..  Then, it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor.  Then ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.  He set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, And put them to bed.  At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: –
Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’  The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

“My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night”

OPPORTUNITY vs. ENTITLEMENT

Every morning Dear Abby lands in my email box.  I’m not sure why and can’t even remember signing up for it, but somewhere along the way I must have.  Most mornings I skim it and delete, but awhile back I read one that really ticked me off and then today there was a response to it.  One of my biggest pet peeves is the youth of today and the “virtual” silver spoon they believe to be hanging from their mouths.  So many (definitely not all) of them lack a decent work ethic or back bone and spend so much of heir time selfishly calculating “what’s in it for me” that they miss the big picture. about life.  I thought I’d share today’s Dear Abby because I was impressed that so many others agreed with me and that gives me hope!  Before today, I thought I was the last one clinging to civility, propriety and manners as society’s redeemers.  Okay so based on that statement this obviously goes deeper with me, but that is a story for another time.

 

READERS ADVISE ANGRY STUDENT TO MAKE THE MOST OF COLLEGE

DEAR ABBY: May I respond to “Bound for College” (April 9), the high school senior who is distressed because she may have to go to a state university?

This is America, the land of opportunity, not the land of entitlement. A college education is a luxury, not a right. How fortunate she is to have parents who can send her to college. It is my hope that her father does get that job at the university. What an excellent benefit he will have to get reduced tuition for his offspring.
If, however, that is not good enough for her, it is her right to refuse that gift. Then she may go to the school of her choice and pay for it herself. With the cost of tuition today, that will be quite an undertaking. There are a number of options: student loans, grants, scholarships, a job or an enlistment in the military.
As you mentioned, Abby, in your response, education is what you make of it. My suggestion to “Bound for College” is, lose the attitude of entitlement, look at how blessed you are, rethink your priorities and make the most of your opportunities. — MIKE M. IN BLOOMSBURG, PA.

DEAR MIKE: Thank you for your letter. Readers unanimously agreed that “Bound” needs to make the most of the opportunities that come her way and start thinking and acting like an adult.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I could have written the same letter years ago. The similarities are uncanny. I was accepted to my dream school, but due to my family’s financial difficulties, I ended up attending my backup school, one of the largest public institutions in the country.
During the first semester, I was bitter and angry. Slowly but surely, I began to appreciate the benefits unique to a large state university. I enrolled in an honors academic program, which allowed me to receive a rigorous education from an amazing faculty. I became exposed to people from different cultures with differing perspectives. There were numerous student organizations and clubs. I found new hobbies and became active in causes that were important to me. Although I was worried about the school’s party reputation, I quickly found other students who felt the same way I did.
“Bound,” the college experience will be what you make of it. For me, it was instrumental in shaping my future. I took advantage of the many resources available on campus. It opened up avenues for me and, most important, helped me to discover myself. I will be starting graduate school as a financially independent adult, and I can finally do it on my own terms. — SOPHIA K., ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: You can party at any school, and you can get an education at any school. To a large extent, you get out what you put in. Yes, there may be distractions on some campuses, but there will always be academically inclined students and opportunities if one looks for them. The “fit” of a school can’t really be determined until one gets there. So “Bound” should go where it is affordable and keep an open mind. She may find opportunities she has not yet considered. — L.C. IN CHARLESTON, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: Like “Bound,” my parents promised I could go to any school I wanted. I applied to one school and got in, but my parents told me I’d have to take out a loan if I wanted to go there instead of a state school (something that was never mentioned). I took the news hard and resented that I was being forced to make my first adult decision and would have debt when I graduated.
I chose to stay in-state. The school was a party school, and I spent most of my freshman year angry that I was there. A year later, my anger was gone. Abby, please advise “Bound” that it’s what you make of the college experience that counts. — BEEN THERE IN RICHMOND, VA.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

THE DEATH OF COMMON SENSE

The Death of Common Sense
Now and then you get a forwarded email that you can’t help but share with absolutely everyone.  This is one of those.  It strikes so many valid points in today’s world.
Below is the obituary for Common Sense:
‘Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. 
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights, 
I Want It Now, 
Someone Else Is To Blame, 
and I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

APRIL’S FOOL DAY

Gotta love this Judge!
You must read this….a proper decision by the courts…for a change.
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,”Case dismissed!”
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..”
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”
The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists..”
The judge said, “The calendar says April 1st isApril Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.”
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!