When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
~Wayne Dyer
Category: WIT & WISDOM
Hope for the future…
An email story from my mom to make you chuckle…
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about….
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
POSITIVE THOUGHT
Serious Food for Thought
The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you’re not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue and goal. Don’t take it personally when they say “no” ~ they may not be smart enough to say “yes”.
~ Keith Olberman, an American journalist and former sportscaster
40 years of marriage = LMAO email from an awesome woman
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant . Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table . She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish . ‘
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband . ‘ The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands .
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again . I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me . ‘ The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish . So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! . . . the husband became 92 years old .
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female . . . . .
An email I couldn’t pass up sharing – still LMAO
21 pieces of sage advice for a happy life ~ another email gem.
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, t heir conversational skills will be as important as any other.
- Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
- When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
- Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Believe in love at first sight.
- Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
- Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
- In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Don’t judge people by their relatives.
- Talk slowly but think quickly.
- When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
- Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
- When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
- Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
- Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- Spend some time alone.
Every day needs a bit of humor – even summer days when the kids are home!
The Sneeze ~ another email Gem for the graduation season!
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.
Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements, not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!
The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,
‘GOD BLESS YOU’
And he walked off the stage…
The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God’s blessing on their future with or without the court’s approval.
This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland .
Where the term smart ass came from
I couldn’t resist sharing this. My girlfriend sent it in an email and I’m still LMAO. Ironically I’ve known here since were 2 and 3 years old and when we were kids she had no ass. I always envied her. So to me this was even funnier.
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously Cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
Must be where ‘Smart Ass’ came from!
THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE CAKE ~ A little Sunday Morning Humor
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies’ Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!”
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP’d , she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself..”
Alice smiled and thought to herself, “God is good.”